Frequently Asked Questions: Thanksgiving Edition

Hoyas, Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, apple pie: A literal cornucopia of sweet and savory delights awaits you at your family dining table.

(Unless you’re staying here, in which case, Happy Friendsgiving!)

In spite of that thicc feast being prepared at home, one thing poses a threat to the sanctity of Thanksgiving: your family.

Yes, those people whom you may love the most, who have the ability to ruin your short holiday with the annual awkward interrogations about your life away from home.

And so, 4E has prepared this guide to help you navigate those cringeworthy FAQs around the dinner table.

What do you think of Donald Trump?

Oh, damn. Uncle Bob starting off strong.

Politics is bound to come up during the fall feast, and depending on your views, this question could be a real curveball.

No fear, though, because our professionally designed answer is to laugh awkwardly while walking away and saying, “Man, I don’t know.” Make sure to trail off on “know” to feign some “youthful ignorance” to avoid confrontation. Move quickly before your family starts debating immigration over the mashed potatoes.

Do you still go to church?

This one’s for all my people raised with organized religion (looking at you, Catholics) and is the logically awkward follow-up to a political question.

As your aunt plays with her golden cross necklace, you may feel anxiety in answering her inquiry, because, honestly, you don’t. For all those Christian expats out there, you couldn’t even recite the “Our Father” anymore if she asked. TBH, you always just kinda mumbled through that part.

So, to avoid that disappointing revelation to her, just lie and say “yes“.

And, like before, walk promptly away.

What’s your major?  What are your plans after college?

If these two come in sequence, you better be ready, because this one’s the mother of all one-two punches.

We’re actually going to start with the second question, because it’s the easier of the two. Let’s be honest; there are only two acceptable answers: doctor or lawyer. So, no matter what your major is, if you want to avoid a long line of questioning that ultimately leaves you pissed at your stupid cousin you only ever see once a year, just say doctor or lawyer.

By that logic, admit your major honestly and depending on whether it’s a humanity or a science, choose doctor or lawyer accordingly.

And if you do actually want to be a doctor or lawyer, lucky you.

Do you have a [girlfriend/boyfriend/partner]?

Nope. That’s always the answer, because whenever someone asks, you don’t.

Can you help with the dishes?

Alas, the classic parental guilt trap.

Either your father knows you can’t refuse to do a simple favor, or he’s giving too much credit to your turkey-stuffed corpse.

The dilemma lies in that you could never say no and break his heart, but you sure as hell don’t want to say yes.

Therefore, proceed with the most elementary of “avoiding awkward interactions” maneuvers: Walk away like you didn’t hear anything.

And, finally…

When’s the next time we’ll see you?

You’re at the train station, bus stop, airport or whatever means of transportation is taking you back to Georgetown. You’ve had your fill of food and family. You’re ready to go back and be thrown straight into finals prep.

You’re satisfied and holding it together.

Then, your mother throws this one last rock at you.

You smile and reassure her that Christmas is right around the corner, but despite all the ~uncomfiness~ that sometimes comes with seeing your family, you both want it to be sooner.

So, this is the only question we don’t have an answer for, and all we can do is wish you luck in keeping back tears while you start to miss your mom and her cooking.

Let the feast begin!

Go, Hoyas, run! RUN! Go home (if you can) and celebrate Holy Turkey Day! Papers and midterms and projects and WORK have consumed your life for the past two months.

We’ve all earned an extended break.

So, enjoy some real food with the realest people, whether it be your friends or your family.

And, most of all, get some sleep, because we’re all about to lose plenty of it as soon as we come back! :)

Deadliest Places on Campus: A PSA

It is a well-known fact that Georgetown is fraught with traps. Like the city that houses it, the Hilltop was designed to confuse invading armies — a common occurrence for this hallowed fortress.*

Besides the winding streets and myriad hidden halls (Robert E. Lee’s army was actually trapped trying to find a Vil B apartment), the earth itself works to wear down unfamiliar intruders and carefree visitors.

So, whether you attend Georgetown or are just dropping by, here are the deadliest places to walk on campus — these were definitely designed to maim the enemies of the Hilltop and are not just a damning reflection of Georgetown’s crippled facilities management (@JohnJDeGioia).

*The author would like to note that this information is NOT fact-checked.

The Red Brick Ruins

In the Golden Age of Georgetown, just five years hence, when giants dominated the Verizon Center and people feared the yell of “Hoya Saxa,” the ICC was a bustling center of commerce. Merchants from all across the District would flock to show off their finest wares.*

Ever since the dark reign of Julius Tyrannicus the Third (often shortened to JT3), the famed Red Square fell into ruin. Where once marketgoers could barter and feast with nary a worry, citizens must now navigate pockets of missing bricks (see below) and the occasional puddle after a strong storm.

Worse still, there’s now some weird archaeological dig taking place on Copley Lawn, not only releasing some kind of curse but also keeping students from relaxing on that verdant green.

We live in hope of a new age under King Patrick.

*The author would again like to note that this information is based on legends told to him by upperclassmen.

The Henle Crevasse

As a resident of Georgetown’s highest peak (s/o to all my Darnall babes), I am inclined to find all possible entrances to my home that avoid the infamous hill.

Upon my arrival, rumors circulated of a “secret stair” that cut through Henle and circumvented the long path to Darnall, along with the staircase that waits at the very end. I committed myself to uncover Henle’s “Northwest Passage.”

One day, on a night journey back from Healy, there lay a crossroads in my path. Right past Arrupe, there stands a gradually sloping stair that leads into Henle. Ascending the staircase, I ended up in a common outdoor area filled with terrors: An unnecessarily large cutout of Ronald Reagan, a peeking Guy Fieri and some dude smoking a cigarette surrounded me.

I ran up another set of dark stairs in a flight of fright, which led to yet another fork in the road. A path led deeper into Henle, arriving at a pitch-black tunnel. Seeing the side entrance to Darnall through the darkness, I sprinted through…

And caught my foot on this deathtrap:

The Slopes of Darnall

Alternatively, if you’re not out of shape or lazy like me, you could just go up the hill that leads straight to Epi.

But beware, traveller, for this path is still full of dangers!

Approaching the construction site, the air grows dustier, the atmosphere louder. Most terrifyingly, the path grows narrower — just a yard across. Bikes, scooters and a-holes with umbrellas will often rush past you in a series of near misses.

It is also on this path that people don’t know how to walk single file. That makes this 10 times worse:

This little monster (now covered) will catch your foot if you’re not careful. The unexpected drop really does a number on your ankle — and your attitude.

The Uneven Path to O’Donovan Hall

Below the looming shadow of Southwest Quad lies another three-footwide path of poor design. While the sidewalk on the other side of the road near VCW is much larger and better paved, it requires crossing a street with an oddly large amount of traffic.

The risk of the walk below McCarthy is rewarded by a straight-shot to Leo’s.

On the ends, however, lie two deadly snares that could really ruin your day. At the corner, the entire right side of the sidewalk near the bushes is uneven. Because of the uniform texture and color, this slope is barely noticeable.

A similar slope lies near the bench at the end of the walk.

Worst of all, this trouble leads to the greatest deception of them all: that anything in upstairs Leo’s is worth waiting for.*

*The author would like to note that he absolutely stands by this opinion and literally high-fived himself while writing that joke.

The Three Circles of He(a)ll(y)

The Devil’s Three Eyes. The Claws of Copley. DeGioia’s Teeth.

There are three pits at the very outset of the grand road to Lau, where the trash cans are and where there always seems to be some kind of delivery truck.

These holes used to be the base of three poles, which closed off the path for bikes, trucks and scooters. Now, they are simply a death trap for bikes, scooters and pedestrians.

To the unwary eye, these death pits could ruin your foot, your tire or your dignity. Of all the aforementioned traps, these are definitely the greatest existential threat to every single Hoya that goes to Lau.

Mr. DeGioia, fill in these holes.

Coda

Maybe I’m clumsy. Maybe my vision is bad. Maybe I walk like a newborn child.

OR maybe, I’m a victim of an obviously deteriorating campus.

I get it: The wonderful people at facilities have more important stuff to do like constantly fixing leaks, floods, black mold breakouts and bathroom lock-INS. BUT even covering it up with a wooden board — like how Adam Sandler covered up Cole Sprouse’s pee in “Big Daddy” — is better than letting people trip.

 

All gifs from giphy.com

A Very GUSA Midterm

Fellow Hoyas, this Sunday, Sept. 30, is the fall semester’s GUSA senate election. Flyers plaster the walls, ads spam Facebook feeds and candidates attempt to jump you while looking for votes.

While this time could be met with apathy or even disdain, it remains an  important part of school life. Representation matters! 

Hoya staffers are not permitted to advocate for specific candidates, but it is paramount for the press to report on politics — school or otherwise.

So, without promoting any political position, here are some people you should think about while voting this Sunday.

Abraham Lincoln

This man is an obvious first mention. During the United States’ greatest trial, President Abraham “Lumbermill” Lincoln sought to bring the country together. Balancing his values and his pragmatism, he ultimately rekindled national unity. Known for his supreme storytelling and humility, Lincoln could relate to every man.

Honest Abe is the real deal.

Abigail Adams

It would be a disservice to the second first lady to refer to her simply as “the wife of President John Adams.” Abigail “Equality Now” Adams has much more weight than just being some white guy’s spouse. Adams was, in many respects, incredibly ahead of her time — vocalizing her abhorrence of slavery and demanding that if “all men are created equal,” they should be equally treated as such.

Abigail Adams is nobody’s fool.

Benito Mussolini

Very sharp turn with this one, and not really a problem in student government elections. Still, solid advice: Don’t vote for a fascist, racist maniac like this one.

Writer’s note: This image does not, in fact, show Benito Mussolini, but rather Dwight Schrute’s famous speech from Season 2, Episode 17 of “The Office.”

Conan O’Brien

Anything I write will include Conan O’Brien. A ~Harvard graduate~, Conan displays his wit and intelligence not only through his live comedy but also through his clever and often absurdist writing. Both eloquent and goofy, Conan seldom aggrandizes himself, choosing self-deprecation instead of the typical teasing.

Sit down, be Conan.

Todd Olson, Ph.D.

The beloved vice president for student affairs is the paragon of leadership. Though he spends his life telling us to stop waking up the neighbors, the man really just wants the best for his Hoya-kiddos. Vote for that person who’s just giving their earnest.

It’s time…

With these examples of character in mind, it’s your turn to do some research. As much as it probably pains you, go to all those Facebook pages explaining the GUSA candidates’ platforms. Find someone you trust and respect, whose ideas resonate with what you believe needs to be done. And, absolutely, compare them with historical icons.

But if you end up skipping these elections, please don’t sit out come Nov. 6, the real midterms that have palpable effects on how this country functions. By that time, apathy and cynicism simply aren’t options.

Happy voting!

 

Sources: giphy.com

Ways to Cope With Club Rejection

Hey, Hoyas! It’s that time of the year again: Rejection Week. Those seven days where you suddenly discover that you’re unwanted by the all the things you ~thought~ you were passionate about. Anyway, here are some ways to cope  while getting over the club rejection blues.

0. Give up*

Yeah, that’s right. You gave it your best, and it fell through. What’s the point? The world has just told you that you’re just not good enough, so give up.

Like Willy Wonka says, “You get… NOTHING!!! You lose! GOOD DAY, SIR!’

*The Writer would like to inform the reader at this point that this advice is not legitimate and must not be taken entirely seriously. Do, however, feel free to rewatch the original version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (and not the creepy 2005 remake starring Johnny Depp.)

1. Try something new

While calling it quits shouldn’t really be a reaction to rejection, experimentation is entirely legitimate. You may not have gotten exactly what you wanted, but that one missed opportunity leaves a realm of possibilities to discover. All that time you would’ve spent playing volleyball, practicing improv, or making coffee can be used to discover all the things campus has to offer.

Barack Obama White House Correspondents Dinner 2013 GIF by Obama - Find & Share on GIPHY

Try another sport. Join a different comedy group. Work at Starbucks.

Think outside the box and join Anime Club.

You could very easily discover something else you love just as much.

2. Gather the other rejects and make your own club

Just because you were “rejected” doesn’t mean you’re alone…or even talentless. We all know that club culture is notoriously cutthroat, and sometimes, organizations simply can’t let everyone in. It’s not personal, it’s just business.

In that case, find the people who share your interests–and your hardship–and work together. If you really love the thing that rejected you, chances are you have a clear vision of what you want from it and how to make it better. Stronger. Perfect.

Find allies. Build your strength. One day you may even surpass those who abandoned you. And won’t that be a delightful?

3. Practice, practice, practice

And if you just don’t like talking to people, go solo. 

If you’re a rejected writer, keep writing. If you’re a rejected comedian, keep making people laugh. Rejected actors, make a one-man show. Rejected GUASFCU people, give out sketchy loans and charge exorbitant interest.

Whatever it is you’re passionate about, don’t give it up. Keep playing to your strengths and feelings. Refine your craft so that next year, they don’t have a choice but to take you.

And, if not, you’ll really know what you love and no one can tell you otherwise.

4. Spend time with your friends

While you shouldn’t give up, sometimes you just need a break. If you don’t want to go too hard on refining your craft or making a new club, then just spend time with your friends. We promise we won’t judge your Netflix marathons. 

Those people will keep supporting you, and they will always see the value in what you create or the abilities you are most proud of.

And remember, sometimes your friends know friends who also have friends. Expand your horizons and make new connections. This is what we call ~networking~.  Stay positive and don’t be salty about the past- good things usually come when you least expect it. 

5. Focus on school

Maybe some free time is exactly what you needed. Midterms are on the horizon. Papers, essays, quizzes, readings will start to get a ~little~ heavier soon. Use the time you have to make the rest of the semester as smooth as possible.

If you really put in the time, who knows? You might even end up taking an interest in one of your classes. Stranger things have happened.

It’s also what you’re paying for at the end of the day, and you don’t want to screw that up. S/o to all the parents who clicked on this. 

When all is said and done…

Rejection is always difficult. Especially in a time (and in a city) where getting what you want is a sign of success. Compromise and acceptance are forgotten arts. 

So, we leave you with this:

“The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.”

–Conan O’Brien

Keep your heads up, kids. Keep on keepin’ on.

 

Sources: giphy.com,