Florida: The Sunshine State Is A Lie

So, while I’m pretty sure at least half of Georgetown’s campus is already abundantly aware of this fact, it’s worth noting that I am from Miami, Florida. #305forLyfe #Pitbull4Prez

For those of you who have not been watching spaghetti models for the last week (yes, that is actually what they call computer models that forecast Hurricanes), Hurricane Irma, the strongest storm ever recorded in the Atlantic Basin, is currently devastating my home state with wind, rain, and Facebook groups aimed at dissuading Irma from hitting us.

Now, you may be saying to yourself “you aren’t going to try to make jokes about Hurricanes, are you?” and yes, I agree that would be rather inappropriate, so instead of directing your laughter at a natural disaster, I suggest laughing along with me at the beautifully messed-up state from which I hail (but mostly Miami).

Miami, the capital of Latin America, is home to around 6 million people, most of whom do not what turn signals are. Miamians are a creative people whose native language exists on a  continuum somewhere between bad English and terrible Spanish. While we often like to make fun of the rest of Florida, there is a Wikipedia page called “Miami Cannibal Attack” (check it out) and it is DISGUSTING.

Now as for the rest of Florida, it’s true that we have Orlando (where dreams come true until the guy in the Mickey Mouse costume gets arrested for public indecency) and a capital city whose name no one can spell, but otherwise it’s a pretty boring place. While some parts of the state like Boca Raton (literally Rat Mouth) are enclave of elderly North-Easterners, Florida seems to get more like the deep south the further north you go. It doesn’t make sense to us either.

So even though the rest of America would like to do this to us sometimes,

keep Florida in your thoughts, because without it this man would never have been President.

De nada irregardless, bro. Dale.

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, vanityfair.com, tumblr.com

What Should You Binge-Watch Next?

This time of year, we all get a little burnt out. Take it from someone who has been binge watching reruns of How to Get Away with Murder since August. Netflix is more than a streaming service, it’s a lifestyle choice. Sometimes however, opening the Netflix home page to millions of choices just seems too overwhelming for the stressed-out sleep-deprived college student. Even worse, in a few months Netflix plans to get rid of ratings on its shows! So today, we present you with the definitive 4E Guide to Netflix Binge-Watching. We know. Grab a jar of Nutella and a spoon and thank us later.

Stranger Things 

Rating: 5 hours more of procrastination on that PST paper

A borderline-schizophrenic mother, creepy background music from the 80’s, and aliens (I still don’t know) dominate this genuinely weird show. I have no idea why this is as entertaining as it is, but somehow it just works. Also the cast is woke so you can feel good about watching it.

Santa Clarita Diet

Rating: Three human hearts and a leg.

In this Netflix original, Drew Barrymore is a vampire/zombie/otherwise-undead being that teams up with her husband to kill and eat practically everyone who annoys them. This show also includes inordinate quantities of vomit and lots of references to Medieval Serbia. Not for the easily queasy.

Black Mirror

Rating: Too problematic

This series of unrelated episodes is intellectually mind-boggling in its most intense form. This show has everything: time-traveling lesbians, a urinating bank robber, the Prime Minister of the U.K. having sex with a pig (although I’m not sure that one isn’t real…*cough cough David Cameron cough cough*), and more. Try watching more than two episodes in a row and not doubting everything you know and love.

Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events

Rating: One burned-down mansion, three genius children and an evil actor

Neil Patrick Harris? Need I say more?

Seriously, this Netflix original puts its movie, and even the books it was based on, to shame. Beautifully whimsical sets are filled with surprise after surprise, each more depressing than the last. Metaphor, allegory and wit abound in a show that casts children as geniuses and adults as absurdly inept.

The show’s theme song tells you not to watch it, that the show is too depressing and nothing good will come from it.

I would agree you shouldn’t watch it, but for a different reason–you won’t get out of bed until you’ve watched the entire first season.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Rating: 5 mole women

Produced by Tina Fey and some of her colleagues from 30 Rock, Kimmy Schmidt is a hilariously self-aware satire of pop culture. Everything from the stupidity of reality TV to discussion of race relations falls in the writers’ scope, which usually provides lots of laughs while delivering biting criticisms of modern society à la Colbert.

A warning for my friends and family: Don’t expect to see me May 19th, the day the third season of Kimmy Schmidt comes out. I won’t leave my room for food or water and I probably won’t even get up to go to the bathroom until I’ve finished all the episodes.

Photos/gifs: giphy.com, thepennyhoarder.com

Hillary is Coming to the Hilltop

If you’re anything like us here at 4E, you probably freaked out pretty hard when you found out Hillary was coming to campus. I mean, after all, What Dreams Are Made Of” is a modern classic.

But after watching “The Lizzie McGuire Movie” for the umpteenth time in order to prepare ourselves for what we thought would be the first stop in the 2017 Hillary Duff Comeback Tour, we noticed something a little odd about our email invitations to the event in Gaston Hall on Friday.

The invitation didn’t say Hillary Duff, it said Hillary Rodham ClintonThis couldn’t be.

Last we’d heard, the former Secretary of State and pantsuit-aficionado was lost deep in the woods of Chappaqua, New York with her dogs. We wanted to do something about it, but sending a search team to look for America’s most accomplished grandma isn’t a part of The Hoya‘s budget.

At first, we didn’t know what to think. After months of #FakeNews, we didn’t know if we could even trust our own eyes. But there it was right in front of us.

The Hon. Hillary Rodham Clinton is coming to the Hilltop!

Since the announcement, questions have arisen.

  1. Do we get in line at 3 AM or 4 AM?
  2. Should we wear that old campaign T-shirt we haven’t been able to look at since November 8th without vigorously crying?
  3. Will she mention Trump?
    (Editor’s note: In a perfect world, he would show up at the speech too and they’d have a wizard’s duel à la McGonagall and Snape in “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” over the presidency but hey, we get that that might be asking for a little too much. In fairness though, Healy Hall has always reminded us of Hogwarts.)

Whatever Hillz says, we’re sure it’ll be memorable. Almost as memorable as that time she won the popular vote by a few million votes and somehow still didn’t become president! Hahaha you’re so funny @ElectoralCollege! We’ll never get over that one! #TBT

Oh and Bill, if you see this, feel free to come too. We promise to get you lots of balloons.

Sources: giphy.com, tumblr.com, buzzfeed.com

Make Sightseeing Great Again

In these tumultuous times, the District may seem like a less attractive tourist destination. However, if you properly ignore a certain orange presence, you’re sure to enjoy checking out America’s most treasured monuments and museums, which, believe it or not, are still standing after the election!

So, if you’re disheartened and still a little confused by the events of November 8th, 2016 and you have friends coming in from out of town or you’re just looking for a cool museum to explore by yourself (#foreveralone), 4E’s got you covered!

The Gear

The most important aspect of being a D.C. tourist is looking the part. Sure, you go to Georgetown, but you shouldn’t walk into the National Gallery of Art wearing Vineyard Vines if you want to be a real D.C. expert. That’s why 4E recommends purchasing a classy American flag fanny pack for your trips into the center of our nation’s capital. Aside from being stylish, a fanny pack such as the Freedom Fanny Pack with Six-Pack Drink Holder Extension is a convenient option for storing beverages for yourself and whoever’s crazy enough to walk around with you. The fanny pack can be accompanied by American flag leggings or a pet bald eagle.*

*Note: Bald eagles cannot be legally kept as pets in the United States. 4E is in no way encouraging readers to attempt to domesticate bald eagles and thus holds no responsibility for bald eagle attacks. But also, you do you.

The Top 5 Tourist Stops

Washington Monument

The Washington Monument is a 555-foot obelisk built to honor George Washington. Construction of the monument was completed in 1888 and it is to this day the tallest structure in D.C.

Unfortunately, the National Park Service is currently working on the monument’s elevator so the obelisk’s famous viewing deck is currently closed to the public. As the National Park Service is at this moment engaged in a Twitter war with our commander in chief (you just can’t make this stuff up), it seems extremely unlikely that the monument will be open to visitors before its expected completion date of 2019. On the other hand, the Trump presidency’s expected completion date is 2020. We are very much hoping this is a liberal estimate.

National Gallery of Art

Before the National Endowment for the Arts is defunded by our president, it’s worth taking a trip to the National Gallery of Art where you can impress friends and family by pretending to know about art history. Was Picasso the one that cut his ear off? Was Joan Miró a man or a woman? What kind of horrible parents name their child Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn? Don’t worry! Just pull a Kellyanne Conway by making some stuff up and laughing it off if anyone questions you. If you’re really stuck, just yell “alternative fact!” until people forget whatever ridiculous thing you said in the first place.

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Just don’t.

This used to be an historic monument but it’s currently being desecrated by an oversized cheeto and his friends.

Even once he’s gone, visiting will be a bit like going into a bathroom stall when someone just came out and said “Hey, I wasn’t feeling so good so you might wanna wait a while before you go in there.”

Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. (Unless you’re a Russian hacker, in which case, pat yourself on the back and go collect your pay before he sues you).

Supreme Court

If you’re a bad hombre or a nasty woman, this stop will be one of your favorites!

Hidden behind the Capitol Building, the Supreme Court is where our country’s most significant judicial decisions are made by nine justices. Well, most of the time it’s nine. It’s kind of complicated at the moment. We won’t get into it. (Love you @merrickgarland)

More importantly, the Supreme Court is the workplace of America’s favorite grandma and 4E’s biggest fan, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

National Air and Space Museum

For those days when you’ve gotten seven CNN News Alerts about Trump’s executive orders, tweets and absurdly long neckties, and you just feel like you can’t handle living on Earth any longer, put your phone on silent and take a break at the National Air and Space Museum!

This museum has on display the Wright brothers’ plane, the Friendship 7 capsule that John Glenn flew as the first American to orbit Earth and even the Apollo 11 module that was responsible for the moon landing. If you consider the moon landing to be fake news, feel free to skip that part.

If these exhibits still seem a little too close to all our planet’s insanity for your liking, the museum even has an IMAX movie about future travel to Mars. We know moving to Canada seems like a drastic option — after all, even though they have an awesome (*cough cough hot cough cough*) prime minister, Canadians eat snow off the street and apologize for everything. That’s why we recommend exploring the Mars One website (www.mars-one.com) which will tell you all you need to know about being a Mars colonist. You might want to upgrade your fanny pack for that trip though.

Sources: giphy.com, twitter.com, tumblr.com