Finals season: it’s the most
wonderful gut-wrenching time of the year! Besides spending an inhumane amount of time in the Lau basement, imbibing unhealthy amounts of caffeine, and sleeping at wholly inappropriate hours, you have likely been doing some odd things in an attempt to avoid studying.
Perhaps you have taken a Buzzfeed quiz entitled “Which Mesozoic Era Are You?” (I’m Cretaceous). Perhaps you have found yourself stalking your Grandmother’s Facebook with alarming regularity, or accidentally liking your friend’s boyfriend’s roommate’s little sister’s Instagram post from 73 weeks ago.
It may seem like you are running out of appropriate ways to procrastinate, but don’t worry! 4E is here to save the day with some innovative procrastination methods guaranteed to help you put off studying for your finals until the last possible minute.
1. Watch all 33 chapters of R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet”
“Trapped in the Closet” is a musical and visual masterpiece. The “hip hopera” will also give you some tips and tricks for what to do next time you are forced to hide in a closet from your lover’s husband.
Time wasted: 133 minutes
2. Wait in the Leo’s pasta line
Usually reserved for special occasions and days during which you have a burning desire to wait in line for an unreasonable amount of time, the Leo’s pasta line is a prime destination for procrastination. Not only will you use up a substantial portion of your study time, you will also be rewarded with a delicious bowl of handcrafted pasta.
Time wasted: 25-45 minutes
3. Listen to your voicemails
Those voicemails on your phone won’t just listen to themselves, you know. What better time than finals week to catch up on the 47 voice messages from your mom passive-aggressively letting you know that you need to call her back immediately?
Time wasted: Varies, depending on whether you delete voicemails immediately or let them sit there because who knows, you might get to them eventually.
4. Go on a scavenger hunt in the ICC
If you’re brave enough for this suggestion, just be sure to bring plenty of food and water (suggested amount: seven days worth). Also make sure to tell at least one person where you are going so that the search and rescue team will know where to look.
Time wasted: possibly eternity
5. Plan your wedding to that boy/girl in your history class that you’re in love with but have never talked to
First, decide on the perfect venue. Then, figure out what flavor you want your cake to be, make the guest list and pick out the dress. While you’re at it, you should probably also shoot a text to your preferred Maid of Honor or Best Man and hammer down a date. Maybe you’ll even drum up the courage to start a conversation with your intended spouse!
Time wasted: depends on how many things you already have pinned to your Pinterest board
6. Watch the entirety of Weird Al’s “Trapped in the Drive-Thru”
This odyssey of a song is the definition of lyrical genius. It even has a twist ending!
Time wasted: 11 minutes that you will never get back
7. Rearrange the furniture on Lau 5
All those cubicles are not conducive to group projects or chats with your friends. Restore feng shui to the library by moving around the tables, desks and chairs as you see fit. You’re sure to get a standing ovation from all the cubicle-dwelling orgo students who have been deprived of human contact for who knows how long.
Time wasted: 120 minutes. Possibly longer if someone doesn’t appreciate your designing prowess and decides to engage in a verbal altercation with you.
8. Fix Congress
You’re a Georgetown student, so you’re definitely opinionated and informed enough to take on this task. Don’t let your years of hard work and infinite depths of knowledge go to waste!
Time wasted: ????
We hope these suggestions have given you some inspiration for your next procrastination tactic. Good luck on your finals and on getting Congressional Democrats and Republicans to agree on something!
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