Going home for Thanksgiving inevitably means one thing: a weekend-long Thanksgiving food coma.
You arrive home to a fridge packed full of all your favorite foods and you are simply overwhelmed by the sight. You begin the food frenzy with Thanksgiving dinner, which forces you to unbutton your pants and lay on the couch just so you can walk again.
You think that after recovering from this food coma, you’ll be good for the whole weekend, but think again. You will be suffering from this food coma all weekend as you binge on all the treats your mom got on her last Costco run. You can’t resist your gluttonous ways, but it’s OK, all of us are like you.
So here is how to come back from that three-day food rampage:
Sleep. Sleep off the food all day long. In order to do this properly, you must first commandeer the couch. It is yours; no one can take it away from you (until your older bro or cousin throws you off for the game). Then take the best blanket in the house (the one that everyone fights over) and cocoon yourself like a little, or let’s be real, large burrito. Finally, sleep away.
Watch football. There are some great college football games on tomorrow, so take this opportunity to nurse yourself back to functioning by watching some ESPN. It’ll give you the perfect excuse to continue to be absolutely sloth-like and also to eat more. Nobody can yell at you for chillin’ on the couch because you’re doing it for the love of football. Remember clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose. But also full stomachs, too.
Wear only pants with elastic. If you are wearing pants with an actual button on them and no elastic as you are reading this, then you are doing it wrong. Stop and put on some stretchy pants, and just do less. When I say stretchy pants, I mean wear those flannel pajama pants you got last year for Christmas or those gray sweats that are so huge that you can fit another person in them.
Eat more food. Like curing a bad hangover, the only way to come back from stuffing your face with last night’s leftovers is to just continue eating. You’ve already consumed enough calories to feed an Olympic men’s swimming team, so you might as well keep going. There is really no going back at this point.
Do not exercise or do any school work. Opening a book or going to the gym will only make the food coma worse, believe me. The headaches and stomachaches will be excruciating and you will keep asking yourself why you continue to actually care at all. It is best if you just pretend to be an illiterate mass, only motivated by the aroma of something greasy being cooked in the kitchen.
Those are the commandments you must live by to survive this post-“food baby” madness. Remember, more than anything, do not do anything. Anything that takes up more effort than walking to the kitchen is not worth it.
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