4E’s Guide To Black Friday Shopping

Banner - Black FridayThe holiday season is right around the corner. Soon you’ll be sprawled about on a couch, wondering how it is humanly possible to still be alive after eating that much food. Soon after, you’ll be hit with a harsh dose of reality: you still haven’t bought any gifts for your friends and family. While this can be stressful, Black Friday, your last opportunity to get the best deals, can be even more stressful. 4E can make Black Friday the best Friday of the year with just several simple steps:

  1. Sleep late. If you’re going to be running around all day, you’re going to need a lot of energy. Eating so much yesterday probably took a lot out of you, so you’ll need some extra Z’s to feel refreshed.
  2. Wear a ski mask. You definitely don’t want to run into any of your high school ~friends~ when back in the home town. A nice ski mask will prevent awkward encounters and also keep you warm (darker colors = more sunlight absorbed)!
  3. Lie on the ground in front of Wal-Mart. In order to get the most incredible deals, like a refurbished low-grade tv that hopefully works for FREE, you’ll need to stake out your territory. Sprawling out across the ground is the best way to fend people off.
  4. Drive aggressively in the parking lot. There’s no hope in ever being able to find a parking spot if you’re not really willing to go for it at any cost. Reckless driving gets you a ticket, aggressive driving doesn’t.
  5. Don’t ask for help. You really can’t trust anyone. Everyone else vying for those clothes doesn’t care about you: not the store employees, not your friends, not even your family. Go it alone and don’t tell anyone your plans if you know what’s good for you.

    Trust NOBODY when it looks like this!

In the end, there’s always Cyber Monday. Happy shopping!

Photos/Gifs: giphy.com, telegraph.co.uk

Mike Radice

Mike Radice

Mike is a washed up senior barely qualified to be a 4E writer. Known to have no chill with the memes he tags you in, Mike proudly hails from New Jersey (read: the land of bagel snobs and soccer moms).
Mike Radice

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